loosing control

this is a awesome poem on infertility it says what most of us feel

Please Don't Ask Me

Jenny White, 10/27/01

Please don't ask me how I'm doing.

Though I will automatically answer "Fine,"

It makes my heart hurt a little because I know I'm not fine.

Please don't ask me why I don't write or call more often.

I have nothing to share with you that you'll really want to hear, since my life is about just one thing these days: My struggle to become a mother.

Please don't ask me when my dear husband and I will have a baby. Though I may answer "One of these days," I realize that day may be years from now or never at all, and the thought scares and saddens me.

Please don't ask me to host a baby shower, no matter who the shower is for. It's often difficult enough just to attend such an event and face the questions and looks from friends and family, wondering "When is she finally going to have a baby?"

Please don't ask me to be okay with the fact that I see so many silly, young teenage mothers wherever I go. These girls take for granted what I've been longing for what seems like my whole life.

Please don't ask me if there's "any news on the baby front." Believe me, if and when God blesses us with a baby, we will be shouting the sweet news from the mountaintops.

Please don't ask me why I seem sad or anxious.

Some days are simply worse than others, and sometimes

What I need most is simply to be alone with my thoughts

And my worried heart.

Please don't ask me why this has happened to me, When I've longed to be a mother all of my life and everyone around me has someone to call them "Mommy." God is in charge, and I'm trying very hard to keep that in mind.

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when god gave me infertility

What do I Think God Meant When He Gave Me Infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger and love deeper.

I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up everytime infertility knocks us down.

I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equiptment and create procedures and protocols.

I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No,God never meant for me not to have children. Thats not my destiny: just a fork in the road I'm on. I've be placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not I'm a better person for it.

Clearly, God meant for me to overcome my devistation, guilt, and sorrow in order to develope more compassion, deeper courage and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and............I have not let him down.

Frankly if the truth be known, I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when my baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest most refreshing drink I have ever known.

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stupid,stupid me

so i feel really stupid right now . i took a hpt and of course it was a bfn.since af was really strange this cycle i still had a glimps of hope.that the reason i was craving coke , the weird twings i was feeling in my stomach , the peeing constanty , the not liking chocolate anymore the sharp pains i have been getting in my boobs meant something . but , no it means i am loopy in the head . as crazy as i have always been . my re wants me to do blood work to make sure im not pg .guess i will go after work today just to satisfy her because i know where my fate ends this cycle....but at least i can still hold out hope for my iui this month .. thats what is keeping me sane right now...

till next time,xoxo shell