just trying to cope

my baby nephew bubba passed away 5 months ago june the 2nd i will never forget that day it was the most sadest day of my life ..that changed something in me forever. he was only 4 . he fell in a pool that didnt have a fence or any type of barrier around it ...at 4 yrs old we had to barry my precious baby nephew always missed but deffantly never to be forgotten...i can barely face my baby sister for the fear of the hurt in her eyes will be to unbearable..she is only 24 yrs old and has faced such loss in her life .. i cant see how she copes in her day to day life...i also lost my uncle 2 weeks ago the only thing i held on to from my father that passed when i was 1 yrs old..he was so awesome he was know as the man with a big texas smile ..he was my uncle teddy bear i miss him so much .... then there is this infertilty that has tooken over my life ... all this has made me question God .. i really know God on a personal level but i have had so much greif these last couple of month that i have lost a big part of who i truly am....that greif turned into anger really quick .. but i have been trying to reconnect with God because if any1 can help me get back my life it is God ....i pray for patientce , understanding and peace.... i have to let go and let god thats all i can do ....

cd9

last night i went to bed i was just lying there thinking ,it doesnt feel like i will ever concieve . so i wasw crying talking to God telling him that i know that he is real ,that he is my father , that 9i have seen him work in my life since i was a small child ..i know he hears my prayers and that i know i need to be patient .. that he has a awesome plan for my life ...i turned all my worry and hurt over to God for the millionth and final time .... trusting him to do what he knows is best for my life...it isnt good for my children and husband to see me go through this whirl wind of emotions ..so i have to let go and let god ...its all out of my hands there is nothing more i can do in the infertility department ...i will go to my re appointments and do my very best to get that bfp if its what God wants then it will come to past ...i was raised Pentecostal i firmly believe in the power of the lord ...i also believe that you have to pray to believe to receive....i don't practice what i preach here lately i have let my emotions get in the way of the Lord...now i am going to let the Lord get in the way of my emotions....


shell