cd8

Today is cd8 . man this month is flying by..by this time next week i will have already had my iui .. i know i am going to go freakin crazy in my 2ww.i think i have some really good things on my side to help me stay a lil more positive...i ovulate on my own and i am taking clomid so hopefully i produce some really awesome follies this cycle...pcos is the only thing that is a fertility issue for us. dh has some really good swimmers...i am going into this 1st and hopefully only iui cycle with a positive attitude with God by my side exspecting the worst but praying for the best...In Jesus name this will work....i will concieve and carry my baby to full term and he or she will be healthy ...in Jesus name i trust .....God is never to early, never to late but always on time...He knows my past,present and future so who am i to sit here in judgement. i am no1 to do so.. so from this day forth i will look to the Lord Jesus Christ and try to understand every disappointment every tear that i have and will face . but i will also remind myself that with every tear and disappointment God has a purpose and a plan for my life ...a plan that i can not posibly understand but it is what is best for my life....and in the end i will relize why God does the things he does...i dont believe that God would allow me to travel down this ttc road for so long and there not be a rainbow at the end ...i believe that God will answer my prayers really soon .. and i stand on the faith i have always had in God ...

till next time, shell

loosing control

this is a awesome poem on infertility it says what most of us feel

Please Don't Ask Me

Jenny White, 10/27/01

Please don't ask me how I'm doing.

Though I will automatically answer "Fine,"

It makes my heart hurt a little because I know I'm not fine.

Please don't ask me why I don't write or call more often.

I have nothing to share with you that you'll really want to hear, since my life is about just one thing these days: My struggle to become a mother.

Please don't ask me when my dear husband and I will have a baby. Though I may answer "One of these days," I realize that day may be years from now or never at all, and the thought scares and saddens me.

Please don't ask me to host a baby shower, no matter who the shower is for. It's often difficult enough just to attend such an event and face the questions and looks from friends and family, wondering "When is she finally going to have a baby?"

Please don't ask me to be okay with the fact that I see so many silly, young teenage mothers wherever I go. These girls take for granted what I've been longing for what seems like my whole life.

Please don't ask me if there's "any news on the baby front." Believe me, if and when God blesses us with a baby, we will be shouting the sweet news from the mountaintops.

Please don't ask me why I seem sad or anxious.

Some days are simply worse than others, and sometimes

What I need most is simply to be alone with my thoughts

And my worried heart.

Please don't ask me why this has happened to me, When I've longed to be a mother all of my life and everyone around me has someone to call them "Mommy." God is in charge, and I'm trying very hard to keep that in mind.

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when god gave me infertility

What do I Think God Meant When He Gave Me Infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger and love deeper.

I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up everytime infertility knocks us down.

I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equiptment and create procedures and protocols.

I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No,God never meant for me not to have children. Thats not my destiny: just a fork in the road I'm on. I've be placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not I'm a better person for it.

Clearly, God meant for me to overcome my devistation, guilt, and sorrow in order to develope more compassion, deeper courage and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and............I have not let him down.

Frankly if the truth be known, I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when my baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest most refreshing drink I have ever known.

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stupid,stupid me

so i feel really stupid right now . i took a hpt and of course it was a bfn.since af was really strange this cycle i still had a glimps of hope.that the reason i was craving coke , the weird twings i was feeling in my stomach , the peeing constanty , the not liking chocolate anymore the sharp pains i have been getting in my boobs meant something . but , no it means i am loopy in the head . as crazy as i have always been . my re wants me to do blood work to make sure im not pg .guess i will go after work today just to satisfy her because i know where my fate ends this cycle....but at least i can still hold out hope for my iui this month .. thats what is keeping me sane right now...

till next time,xoxo shell

cd4 and rant

so its cd4 i have completely stopped even spotting . it is so weird . i have always had af that last 4-5 full days . but i am lucky i even filled 1 pad this cycle . i wonder if thats normal. that kinda scares me as this cycle is very important to me because of iui. i dont want anything messing it up .maybe i should call my re office and just ask if this sounds like a normal af to them .. i know what they are going to say though ."have you tooken a hpt ?" why do i want to take a hpt af came like clock work cd28 couldn't get anymore text book if i dreamed it up myself...i hate poas .i hate the disappointment every time i look down and see that single pink line . its like why even bother..this ttcing is so dam depressing why do i even put myself though this?i am mommy already to 2 beautiful amazingly awesome kids that i couldn't love anymore if i had given birth to them myself ...but having another child is something i want so badly i cant explain it .i want that experience of feeling my child grow inside of me to give life to my child ,to look at that child and know he or she is a creation of my husband and i ...God I know that will be the best thing i will ever experience in my life ..And, I m not willing to give that dream up because even though i get really discouraged at times i know God hears my prayers ..I just keep reminding myself month after month that God is never to early,never to late , but always on time ...

till next time xoxo, shell

ok so today is cd3 and i have only maybe filled 1 pad yeah i know tmi sorry .what is going on with me i had really bad cramps cd1 and they went away yesterday no big deal that happens but a 2 and a half day cycle never happened to me before .. shorts good though lol. ill take what i can get as far as af gos at least she is regular now and i ovulate woo hoo !!!!

till next time , shell