cd10

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cd10
cd10 cd10 here . so we are getting closer to iui . i have a appointment with my re tomorrow .i will hopefully be getting my trigger shot ...i have been praying to God that i have some really beautiful follies this cycle...by friday i should be doing my iui .i am excited and nervous all at the same time .. i know God hears my prayers so i have been trying really hard not to worry to much about everything...i pray that nothing gos wrong with this cycle and it is successful ... God is my strenghth he will lead and i will follow whatever path he lays at my feet...i was thinking yesterday that when god does finally give me another child that i will feel so blessed that will be the best day of my life something i had to pray really hard for and never thought would happen to me that is going to be the most amazing feeling .i think only a women that has went through infertility will understand that feeling of letting go of all that hurt tears and fears we have carried for all these years to finally have god answer our prayers that we have be praying for years on....k got to go to work now grrrr...but my spirits are high in my faith i have for God almighty ....

just trying to cope

my baby nephew bubba passed away 5 months ago june the 2nd i will never forget that day it was the most sadest day of my life ..that changed something in me forever. he was only 4 . he fell in a pool that didnt have a fence or any type of barrier around it ...at 4 yrs old we had to barry my precious baby nephew always missed but deffantly never to be forgotten...i can barely face my baby sister for the fear of the hurt in her eyes will be to unbearable..she is only 24 yrs old and has faced such loss in her life .. i cant see how she copes in her day to day life...i also lost my uncle 2 weeks ago the only thing i held on to from my father that passed when i was 1 yrs old..he was so awesome he was know as the man with a big texas smile ..he was my uncle teddy bear i miss him so much .... then there is this infertilty that has tooken over my life ... all this has made me question God .. i really know God on a personal level but i have had so much greif these last couple of month that i have lost a big part of who i truly am....that greif turned into anger really quick .. but i have been trying to reconnect with God because if any1 can help me get back my life it is God ....i pray for patientce , understanding and peace.... i have to let go and let god thats all i can do ....

cd9

last night i went to bed i was just lying there thinking ,it doesnt feel like i will ever concieve . so i wasw crying talking to God telling him that i know that he is real ,that he is my father , that 9i have seen him work in my life since i was a small child ..i know he hears my prayers and that i know i need to be patient .. that he has a awesome plan for my life ...i turned all my worry and hurt over to God for the millionth and final time .... trusting him to do what he knows is best for my life...it isnt good for my children and husband to see me go through this whirl wind of emotions ..so i have to let go and let god ...its all out of my hands there is nothing more i can do in the infertility department ...i will go to my re appointments and do my very best to get that bfp if its what God wants then it will come to past ...i was raised Pentecostal i firmly believe in the power of the lord ...i also believe that you have to pray to believe to receive....i don't practice what i preach here lately i have let my emotions get in the way of the Lord...now i am going to let the Lord get in the way of my emotions....


shell

cd8

Today is cd8 . man this month is flying by..by this time next week i will have already had my iui .. i know i am going to go freakin crazy in my 2ww.i think i have some really good things on my side to help me stay a lil more positive...i ovulate on my own and i am taking clomid so hopefully i produce some really awesome follies this cycle...pcos is the only thing that is a fertility issue for us. dh has some really good swimmers...i am going into this 1st and hopefully only iui cycle with a positive attitude with God by my side exspecting the worst but praying for the best...In Jesus name this will work....i will concieve and carry my baby to full term and he or she will be healthy ...in Jesus name i trust .....God is never to early, never to late but always on time...He knows my past,present and future so who am i to sit here in judgement. i am no1 to do so.. so from this day forth i will look to the Lord Jesus Christ and try to understand every disappointment every tear that i have and will face . but i will also remind myself that with every tear and disappointment God has a purpose and a plan for my life ...a plan that i can not posibly understand but it is what is best for my life....and in the end i will relize why God does the things he does...i dont believe that God would allow me to travel down this ttc road for so long and there not be a rainbow at the end ...i believe that God will answer my prayers really soon .. and i stand on the faith i have always had in God ...

till next time, shell

loosing control

this is a awesome poem on infertility it says what most of us feel

Please Don't Ask Me

Jenny White, 10/27/01

Please don't ask me how I'm doing.

Though I will automatically answer "Fine,"

It makes my heart hurt a little because I know I'm not fine.

Please don't ask me why I don't write or call more often.

I have nothing to share with you that you'll really want to hear, since my life is about just one thing these days: My struggle to become a mother.

Please don't ask me when my dear husband and I will have a baby. Though I may answer "One of these days," I realize that day may be years from now or never at all, and the thought scares and saddens me.

Please don't ask me to host a baby shower, no matter who the shower is for. It's often difficult enough just to attend such an event and face the questions and looks from friends and family, wondering "When is she finally going to have a baby?"

Please don't ask me to be okay with the fact that I see so many silly, young teenage mothers wherever I go. These girls take for granted what I've been longing for what seems like my whole life.

Please don't ask me if there's "any news on the baby front." Believe me, if and when God blesses us with a baby, we will be shouting the sweet news from the mountaintops.

Please don't ask me why I seem sad or anxious.

Some days are simply worse than others, and sometimes

What I need most is simply to be alone with my thoughts

And my worried heart.

Please don't ask me why this has happened to me, When I've longed to be a mother all of my life and everyone around me has someone to call them "Mommy." God is in charge, and I'm trying very hard to keep that in mind.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

when god gave me infertility

What do I Think God Meant When He Gave Me Infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger and love deeper.

I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up everytime infertility knocks us down.

I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equiptment and create procedures and protocols.

I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No,God never meant for me not to have children. Thats not my destiny: just a fork in the road I'm on. I've be placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not I'm a better person for it.

Clearly, God meant for me to overcome my devistation, guilt, and sorrow in order to develope more compassion, deeper courage and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and............I have not let him down.

Frankly if the truth be known, I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when my baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest most refreshing drink I have ever known.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

stupid,stupid me

so i feel really stupid right now . i took a hpt and of course it was a bfn.since af was really strange this cycle i still had a glimps of hope.that the reason i was craving coke , the weird twings i was feeling in my stomach , the peeing constanty , the not liking chocolate anymore the sharp pains i have been getting in my boobs meant something . but , no it means i am loopy in the head . as crazy as i have always been . my re wants me to do blood work to make sure im not pg .guess i will go after work today just to satisfy her because i know where my fate ends this cycle....but at least i can still hold out hope for my iui this month .. thats what is keeping me sane right now...

till next time,xoxo shell

cd4 and rant

so its cd4 i have completely stopped even spotting . it is so weird . i have always had af that last 4-5 full days . but i am lucky i even filled 1 pad this cycle . i wonder if thats normal. that kinda scares me as this cycle is very important to me because of iui. i dont want anything messing it up .maybe i should call my re office and just ask if this sounds like a normal af to them .. i know what they are going to say though ."have you tooken a hpt ?" why do i want to take a hpt af came like clock work cd28 couldn't get anymore text book if i dreamed it up myself...i hate poas .i hate the disappointment every time i look down and see that single pink line . its like why even bother..this ttcing is so dam depressing why do i even put myself though this?i am mommy already to 2 beautiful amazingly awesome kids that i couldn't love anymore if i had given birth to them myself ...but having another child is something i want so badly i cant explain it .i want that experience of feeling my child grow inside of me to give life to my child ,to look at that child and know he or she is a creation of my husband and i ...God I know that will be the best thing i will ever experience in my life ..And, I m not willing to give that dream up because even though i get really discouraged at times i know God hears my prayers ..I just keep reminding myself month after month that God is never to early,never to late , but always on time ...

till next time xoxo, shell

ok so today is cd3 and i have only maybe filled 1 pad yeah i know tmi sorry .what is going on with me i had really bad cramps cd1 and they went away yesterday no big deal that happens but a 2 and a half day cycle never happened to me before .. shorts good though lol. ill take what i can get as far as af gos at least she is regular now and i ovulate woo hoo !!!!

till next time , shell

cd3

ok , here we go cde3 af is on full force now .starting clomid 50 mg today as well . whippie! i am going to go through more emotions this month than any month before. just because i have really high hopes for a bfp..i think if this doesnt get me a bfp this cycle then i will be nothing short of heart broken...i really need to prepare myself for the worst and pray for the best ...

till next time ,shell

this is my beautiful daughter lori dawn and myself

my aewsome amazing wonderful husband with our beautiful baby boy

my husband ,son and i

intoducion alil about myself

My name is Shelly and my husband of 11 yrs is arthur . we are on our ttc journey . but we also already have 2 beautiful children lori dawn 13 and bailey austin 8 .not biologicaly mine . my daughter is my step daughter my son we adopted at birth not actively ttc at the time..but , God gives you gifts when you least exspect them...we never really worried about having anymore children as we were busy raising the 2 we already have . but i hit 30 and got the baby blues in febuary 08 so every since then we have been ttc with meds . well not all 8 of those months cause we were put on a ttc break after my ob triggered what he thought was a follie . turned out to be a cyst so my new re took me off the fertility drugs. and switched my metformin2550mg to avandia 8 mg and that was awesome ..no more met side effects and hey i get to keep my af under control..i went from having a af ever 7-8 weeks to now having a text book af of 28 days and i actually ovulate on my own ..thats all awesome news for me ...now if only i could achieve getting my bfp...

cd2 of iui

cd2 i am having major cramps today . this cycle seem worst somehow. i just cant wait till this month is over i know when i go in for my iui the 2ww is going to kill me ...i start clomid 50 mg tomorrow.yippie ! not! that medicine really sucks..it gives me headaches ,hot flashes ,night sweats ,mood swings and i get really sick to my stomach so not really looking forward to all that .. but i guess anything to get the baby i have always dreamed of...

cd1 of iui cycle

k so today is cd1 of my iui cycle . i am upset that af decided to show . but fresh start with a new cycle right.sometimes i just want to give up and today is one of those days . i am terified of failure , that this iui cycle wont work . then i will still be facing the never ending road of ttc . one of my cysters from soulcysters got a bfp today and i am nothing less of over joyed for her . she gives me new found hope for success..it makes me realize that this is all in God s timing not ours ...that we need to learn patience something you will all learn im not so good at .